Discernment, Self-Command, and Knowing What Is Yours to Do
There is a lot of advice these days about protecting your peace.
Don’t argue with unreasonable people. Don’t waste your time trying to change somebody’s mind. Don’t let another person’s behavior control your emotions.
There’s wisdom in that.
But I think there’s something missing.
Sometimes you need to speak up.
Sometimes you need to confront something.
Sometimes leadership requires you to step into an uncomfortable situation rather than walk away from it.
And sometimes the wisest thing you can do is keep your mouth shut.
So how do you know the difference?
That’s where discernment comes in.
I’ve spent a good portion of my life believing in having a bias to take action. I still believe it.
Organizations get into trouble when people see things that need doing and wait around for somebody else to do them. Leaders get into trouble when they study a problem forever because they’re afraid to make a decision without perfect information.
Sooner or later, you’ve got to act.
But experience has taught me something else.
Not everything requires action from me.
That’s an important distinction.
There are things I can see that aren’t mine to fix. There are people who are wrong whom I don’t need to correct. There are arguments I could probably win that aren’t worth having.
The question isn’t simply:
Am I right?
The better question is:
What does being right require me to do next?
That question changes things.
Start With Purpose
When somebody says something that irritates you, challenges you, or that you believe is simply wrong, there’s a useful question to ask before you respond:
What am I trying to accomplish?
Then ask another:
Is what I’m about to say likely to accomplish it?
And maybe the hardest one:
Am I trying to improve the situation, or am I trying to prove I’m right?
I’ve seen a lot of good people lose sight of that distinction.
The conversation starts out being about a problem. Somewhere along the way, it becomes about winning.
Once that happens, ego has quietly taken command.
Two people stop trying to understand one another and start defending themselves.
That’s usually when the volume goes up and the usefulness goes down.
Leadership requires something better.
Four Choices
When you’re faced with somebody who is wrong, difficult, emotional, uninformed, or simply seeing the world differently than you do, I believe there are at least four choices.
Listen.
Maybe there’s something you don’t understand yet.
Being convinced you’re right doesn’t eliminate the possibility that the other person knows something you don’t.
Question.
Instead of immediately telling somebody why they’re wrong, ask enough questions to understand how they got there.
I’ve found that a good question can accomplish things that a ten-minute explanation never will.
Correct or confront.
Sometimes that’s the job.
If safety is involved, intervene.
If somebody is violating a standard, address it.
If people are being mistreated, don’t hide behind “protecting your peace.”
Leadership sometimes requires an uncomfortable conversation.
Disengage.
There are also times when nothing useful is going to come from continuing.
The other person isn’t listening. You’re no longer listening. The conversation has become a contest.
That’s when walking away can be the wisest choice available.
The wisdom isn’t in any one of these responses.
The wisdom is knowing which one the situation requires.
Silence and Avoidance Are Not the Same Thing
This distinction matters.
Two leaders can both remain silent and be doing completely different things.
One is afraid of confrontation.
The other has considered the situation and deliberately concluded that saying more will accomplish nothing.
From across the room, they look exactly alike.
Inside, they’re entirely different.
One is avoiding.
The other is exercising discernment.
That’s why “know when to walk away” isn’t enough for me.
Know why you’re walking away.
If you’re walking away because you’re afraid of discomfort, that’s avoidance.
If you’re walking away because further engagement won’t serve the purpose, that’s discernment.
And if you stay in the argument because your ego demands the last word, that’s not leadership either.
I Only Control Me
One of the things I remind myself often is:
I only control me.
That’s easy to say.
It’s considerably harder to practice.
Someone else’s anger doesn’t authorize mine.
Someone else’s disrespect doesn’t require me to become disrespectful.
Someone else’s confusion doesn’t require me to become frustrated.
And somebody else’s bad decision doesn’t automatically become mine to correct.
Their behavior does not relieve me of responsibility for mine.
That’s self-command.
Instead of:
They provoke. I react.
Try:
I notice. I assess. I choose. I act.
That space between what happens and what you do about it is where discernment lives.
Bias to Action Needs Discernment
This is where two ideas that appear contradictory actually belong together.
Have a bias to take action.
And:
Not everything deserves your action.
Put them together and I think you get something closer to wisdom:
Have a bias to take action once discernment tells you the matter is yours, the information is sufficient, and the timing is right.
Without discernment, a bias to action can become impulsiveness.
Without courage, protecting your peace can become passivity.
Discernment sits between the two.
It tells us when to act and when to wait.
When to speak and when to listen.
When to confront and when to let something go.
The Question Worth Carrying With You
The next time somebody says something that gets under your skin, resist the temptation to immediately answer.
Give yourself a moment.
Then ask:
What am I trying to accomplish?
Will what I’m about to do help accomplish it?
Is this actually mine to do something about?
And finally:
Am I serving the purpose, or serving my ego?
You won’t always get it right.
None of us will.
Wisdom isn’t predicting every outcome.
It’s making the best decision available, sizing the risk responsibly, acting when action is required, and remaining teachable regardless of what happens next.
I’ve come to believe leadership is applied wisdom.
And applied wisdom isn’t simply knowing when you’re right.
It’s knowing what being right requires you to do next.
Sometimes speak.
Sometimes listen.
Sometimes act.
Sometimes walk away.
And every once in a while, have enough command of yourself to say absolutely nothing.
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